I Disappeared…

Yeah, sorry about that. I put myself on a social media hiatus. 

Mentally I needed it. 

I needed to walk away from the emotional side of infertility and its toll on me. I needed me time, infertility free me time. It wasn’t easy and I still don’t have answers or direction. I also limited my other social media. I’ve tried to dial back my social media presence as a whole. I’ve been frustrated, hurt, annoyed and overall done with the way people think they can act because they are online when they say it. 

I keep online enough to fulfill my Social Media Adviser gig and to update my social media in order to not draw attention and worry from my family. I keep up an appearance online and that’s about it. 

And honestly? I haven’t felt like part of the blogging circle for awhile. I’m at a stand still. I’ve been in this game for 7 years. There is nothing happening right now and for the foreseeable future. I’m war weary and most of the people who started his battle with me have moved on, either giving up and moving on or getting what we all want, a baby in our arms. Those new to the circle, I have trouble relating to. Those who have resolved, I don’t find myself caring about seeing their happy endings. I’m in no mans land with no clear direction to follow and I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m ok with  all of it. 

So I walked away. I found something that gives me passion. I work with Girl Guides. I give it my all. It’s a distraction in every sense of the word but it’s also something that brings me great joy in an otherwise joyless life. I don’t say that in a dramatic way, just an observation. We are struggling right now. We fight a lot. We’ve talked about whether this marriage is worth  it or if we should just call it quits. We decided that we are still very much in love and that this is simply a rough patch. I’m depressed. Chris has more good days than bad just to be replaced with me having less good days. Our car broke down and its been written off with no free funds to be able to get a new one. All minor things that are slowly sucking away all of the Hope I have. 

So, I simply decided to disappear. I needed to walk away. I don’t know if this is a random post. I don’t know if I’ll write again next week or six months from now. I’m not making any promises either way. I feel like I have to find myself and my purpose again and I don’t know how long it will take. For now, I leave you this post and the choice of whether you still want to stick around or not. 

Just Don’t Read the Comments…

I made the mistake of reading the comments on an article that once again was about Kim Kardashian complaining about her pregnancy.

I should preface and say that I hate that woman, the family she comes from and the fact that if you ever open up the internet for any period of time, they are all you damn well see and that’s what they want.

But I made the mistake of reading the comments.

I came under fire for it there and I’ll probably will again here. But the difference is that its my blog and I can write whatever I want and not care who I piss off.

I wish that woman would just shut the eff up. Like seriously. And the comments section is just a bunch of women getting off on each other and their own complaints about pregnancy and their children. I get it, you got to have a baby. And you want to do nothing but complain about how you got the baby and the kid now that you have to live with it. You wanna complain about how difficult it was to deal with that pregnancy and how hard it was and how the child won’t sleep through the night. But the rest of us either don’t fucking care or hate you with every fiber of our being because we would legit sell our god damn souls for a taste of the hard pregnancy, the bloat, the non-stop puking or the kid not sleeping, attitude problem or any shitty experience. Why? Because it meant that a child was growing in us, that we had a child to love and call our own.

Kim K, as a word from an infertile woman, please shut the eff up. Please. You chose this. You chose to have another baby after the apparent “hell” you went through with the first baby. If it was such hell, why didn’t you go with a surrogate, or use any other means to make this an easier goal for yourself? You certainly have enough money for any option and enough money to pay for treatments for every single woman on the planet who is dealing with infertility. You made your choice and you get a baby out of it so please shut up and live with your choice. This is just a sad attempt to keep yourself relevant in the media cause that’s how you make money, by staying in the media spotlight.

/end rant

Infertile women, just don’t read the comments on any articles about Kim K complaining about her pregnancy.

Join Girl Guides, They Said…Only One Hour A Week, They Said…


The Guiding year is in full swing. And the running joke in Guiding is that we all started cause they told us it would be an hour a week. Don’t let my sarcasm fool you though, cause I freaking love Guiding just as the 10+ hours of Guiding work I’ve clocked in at this week alone. My schedule proves it. I’ve neglected everything but Guiding over the past few weeks. And I’m a busy girl. Our girls don’t start back until late September, but our work starts early. Our District meeting was last week and it kicked off the whole start of our Guiding year.

On the unit level, one of our leaders has decided to take a break from Guiding and she was our contact guider. This information came about a week ago and now the rest of us are scrambling to get the year started on time. I’ve been thrust into the role of contact guider and taking over finances and paperwork when I’ve never handled that part before. I’m the equivalent of a deer in headlights. But the leaders are circling the wagons and we plan to sort it all out together so the work is even between us. So we’re sorting through the bins of supplies and boxes of paperwork our previous Contact Guider had and trying to organize it in a system that will work for us. I’m working on welcome letters, making sure all the paperwork we need for start of year is prepared, contacting the owners of our meeting place to verify that we still have the space this year.

On the District level, I took up my post as District Secretary again. I enjoy the job. My District Commissioner has already started to prepare me to step in as DC when she finishes her term. Which is exciting. I look forward to the challenge. District is also gracious enough to set up a Financial training session for me and a handful of other Guiders new to the finance side of it.

On the Area level, I was asked to attend Area Council meetings as a non-voting member. My role as Social Media Adviser for the province is a great opportunity for me to get our area more active in PR and we can make more of a presence on the provincial level. Our Area Commissioner is wonderful to work with and I got to really get to know her when we traveled together for National Conference. I truly enjoy working with her. So I jumped at the chance when she asked as we share the same vision for Guiding in our area. We want Cape Breton better represented at the provincial level.

I also completed my UAL (Understanding Adult Learning) training on the 1st. This is my first step in becoming a registered and qualified Trainer for Girl Guides. And it was a great training experience. I look forward to becoming a qualified trainer with GGC.

On the Provincial level, I get to continue my work as Provincial Social Media Adviser. Which is interesting. My job is to promote Guiding and get information out to our members and their parents through our official social media platforms: Facebook, Email and Twitter. We are hoping to add an Instagram account to that after our advisers meeting mid-September.

Plus I love that I get to travel with Girl Guides. I’m still working towards international travel but I have to get more camping experience in with the older girls. But in the meantime, I travel a couple of times a year to our provincial Guide House. In September I get to go to my first Provincial Advisers Meeting and catch up with all of my friends who are on Provincial Council and really get to find my groove in my role as an adviser. And this year is conference year! Every two years, our province holds a provincial conference on the mainland. Its a whole weekend of sessions aimed to make us better guiders. We spend the day learning and building our training and we spend the night catching up with friends we haven’t seen in awhile. My first conference was in my first year as a full member and I loved it. I was still unsure of myself, and it gave me the chance to meet others and open myself up to new possibilities. After travelling for National Conference this past April, and working with the people that run our national organization, I’m so ready to go to conference confident and ready to not only learn, but to share with others as well. Because of my adviser position, the head of PR emailed me and asked if I was willing to co-present at the social media session while I was there. It takes me out of the financial session I was looking forward to, but I really want to share what I’ve learned and co-leading a session sounds amazing. Plus, its my first chance to really see if training is something I really see myself doing.

So needless to say, I’m busy, I’m stressed and everything is happening at once. I chose this for myself, all of this, but the start and end of year always means a busy schedule. It will thankfully all even out by the time we hit October. But then again, even if it didn’t, I would do this and more because I truly love what I do. Girl Guides brings me too much joy to really get down or annoyed with a crazy September and June.

Feeling Left Behind

Hi, long time no see. 

I’ve been busy, but I have no real excuse to explain my absence. I’ve felt the need to pull away and I don’t like that. But I’ve come to a realization, as another round of my infertility friends announce their pregnancies. I feel like I’m on a countdown. A countdown to the end of a friendship. 

Because let’s be honest. This isn’t my first time at the rodeo. I’ve been circled and recircled by some of my infertile friends. It’s been 6.5 years. No moving forward, no money for the next step and no child to show for it. I once again feel like it’s just not in our cards and that it will never happen. That feeling is mostly coming from my hormones and the oncoming CD1. But one thing I can always count on are others that I consider friends, get pregnant, spend the nine months talking about their pregnancy and sharing all of it with the IF world, make the big birth announcement, make a couple of monthly updates and then proceed to disappear and forget the people who supported them through this. 

This isn’t an every time situation, but the percentage is high. I’d say 80%, easily. I’ve watched too many people claim to be my friend, offer support through their struggle and then walk away from everyone like we didn’t matter once they resolved. Sure some stick around but never talk about anything other than their child, they never talk about other parts of their life, and can leave a bitter taste in the mouth of people still fighting. 

Is it wise to keep the world of infertility separate from the rest of your life? I’ve never separated the two as I talk regularly about both infertility and the rest of my life in this blog. Why separate one part of my life from the rest as one interacts with the rest, it’s woven into everything in my life. What happens when that part of your life changes? That’s a situation that a lot of people find themselves in when they resolve their infertility. And I don’t think people think of what happens to the people who support you when you resolve. Do you leave those people and disappear from that world without caring what happened to the others, who are still fighting their battles? Do you just let them fend for themselves? Why do you see the need to separate yourself? Is what you went through so embarrassing to you that you can’t bare to stay and support those that have been there for you. 

The longer I’m here and the longer I live this, I wonder if it’s worth it because so few of the people who started this journey with me have stayed, or bothered to continue supporting me. Do they see me as a lost cause and cut their ties, or do they simply not know where or how to fit in anymore? Some people stay and manage to do it, as their blogs become what mine is, a life in general blog. Some make the transition, others just gradually stop posting, while others make a dramatic “this is my last post” exit and we never hear from them again. They leave no way to communicate with them. 

I hate it. I become so invested in the lives of those in this circle. So when they up and leave, I sometimes can’t help but take it personally. I think it’s a major contributing factor to my lack of commenting. Cause it stings. It hurts. I try to pretend it doesn’t but I wear my heart on my sleeve. Do I, and others still fighting, mean so little that you just walk away like we don’t matter anymore. 

Maybe it’s the surge of hormones talking, maybe it’s not. 

I’m just sick of “friends” disappearing on me. I just can’t help but start the countdown clock when someone announces their pregnancy. I don’t dread that birth, it’s the abandonment that usually follows it. 

#MicroblogMonday The Double Standard

Facebook…the everyday joe’s personal soapbox. 

It’s also the perfect place for people to pressure and guilt people into adoption whenever someone dares to talk about their infertility struggle. 

An infertile friend who decided to adopt decided to comment on a post about why infertility is not given the same respect as other diseases with the pros of adoption, like it was the first time these words were ever spoken aloud. But I was quick to point out that this specific post isn’t about adoption. When she responded, I reminded her that all couples going through treatment have the knowledge of adoption. But that an adoptive mother is never asked by an infertile woman why they didn’t exhaust any and all treatments. I don’t comment on her adoption posts about the benefits of treatment. 

I hate this double standard of it’s ok to promote talk of adoption, but if you mention fertility treatments or trying to normalize the talk about infertility treatments, it’s immediately shot down by the public and adoptive moms alike with talk of why you should just adopt. 

What’s so wrong with supporting someone’s decision in family building without trying to change the persons mind. If you are gonna suggest that I adopt, you better be suggesting it to every couple who builds their family naturally as well. Cause I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone suggest adoption to a set of newly weds on their wedding night… 


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#MicroblogMonday Grrrrrr

Do you wanna know what’s frustrating?

Coming downstairs after a nap to see hubby zoned out on the couch. Hes having a bad day, I get that, but I still try my best to be there for him. I ask if he wants to do anything. Nothing. I ask if hes hungry, he says no. I give him a kiss on the forehead and head out to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. He’s always after me for making too much when I make supper and effectively wasting food. Just the other night I made enough for the two of us and he didn’t eat it and blamed me for wasting food instead of seeing that I was trying to be considerate. So I make a single meal, chicken and mashed potatoes, just enough for me. He hears me banging around in the kitchen, stuff boiling, smells coming into the living room; all the clear signs of meal preparation.

Finally it’s ready and my mouth is drooling. I can’t wait to dig in. I bring my drink and supper into my desk so I can continue working on what I was doing. I don’t even get to take my first bite when Chris pipes up and says, “so are you making me supper?” Then he gets mad when I told him that I only made enough for me and claims that I didn’t ask him if he wanted something to eat.

Yeah hun, I intentionally made food for just myself to get a rise out of you. That’s just the sort of bitch I am.



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Last night, I had a dream. It felt so real.

A baby was crying in the room across from our bedroom. It was a nursery. I tried to wake Chris up cause it was his turn, but he didn’t budge. I got up and went into the room. I picked up the crying baby. Changed them and sat in a rocking chair as I sang them back to sleep. It was so real that I could smell that beautiful baby smell. They fell back asleep in my arms and I put them back in their crib. I crawled back into bed and Chris curled around me saying I love you.

Then I woke up.

I had to grieve the fact that it was just a dream. I looked into the other bedroom to see that there was no crib or nursery, but instead my desk, the clothes I folded last week and hadn’t put away yet and the shelves of DVD’s we barely touch anymore. I felt empty. There was no baby. There may never be a baby to rock to sleep.

I felt so empty and lost. I just wanted to crawl back into bed. But Chris was there, sound asleep, when it hit me that today was father’s day and he’s still not a father. He may never be a father. Suddenly, I couldn’t face going back to bed either. So I stood in the hall and cried, feeling like a failure.