If You Don't Stand For Something

You Will Fall For Anything

Join Girl Guides, They Said…Only One Hour A Week, They Said…


The Guiding year is in full swing. And the running joke in Guiding is that we all started cause they told us it would be an hour a week. Don’t let my sarcasm fool you though, cause I freaking love Guiding just as the 10+ hours of Guiding work I’ve clocked in at this week alone. My schedule proves it. I’ve neglected everything but Guiding over the past few weeks. And I’m a busy girl. Our girls don’t start back until late September, but our work starts early. Our District meeting was last week and it kicked off the whole start of our Guiding year.

On the unit level, one of our leaders has decided to take a break from Guiding and she was our contact guider. This information came about a week ago and now the rest of us are scrambling to get the year started on time. I’ve been thrust into the role of contact guider and taking over finances and paperwork when I’ve never handled that part before. I’m the equivalent of a deer in headlights. But the leaders are circling the wagons and we plan to sort it all out together so the work is even between us. So we’re sorting through the bins of supplies and boxes of paperwork our previous Contact Guider had and trying to organize it in a system that will work for us. I’m working on welcome letters, making sure all the paperwork we need for start of year is prepared, contacting the owners of our meeting place to verify that we still have the space this year.

On the District level, I took up my post as District Secretary again. I enjoy the job. My District Commissioner has already started to prepare me to step in as DC when she finishes her term. Which is exciting. I look forward to the challenge. District is also gracious enough to set up a Financial training session for me and a handful of other Guiders new to the finance side of it.

On the Area level, I was asked to attend Area Council meetings as a non-voting member. My role as Social Media Adviser for the province is a great opportunity for me to get our area more active in PR and we can make more of a presence on the provincial level. Our Area Commissioner is wonderful to work with and I got to really get to know her when we traveled together for National Conference. I truly enjoy working with her. So I jumped at the chance when she asked as we share the same vision for Guiding in our area. We want Cape Breton better represented at the provincial level.

I also completed my UAL (Understanding Adult Learning) training on the 1st. This is my first step in becoming a registered and qualified Trainer for Girl Guides. And it was a great training experience. I look forward to becoming a qualified trainer with GGC.

On the Provincial level, I get to continue my work as Provincial Social Media Adviser. Which is interesting. My job is to promote Guiding and get information out to our members and their parents through our official social media platforms: Facebook, Email and Twitter. We are hoping to add an Instagram account to that after our advisers meeting mid-September.

Plus I love that I get to travel with Girl Guides. I’m still working towards international travel but I have to get more camping experience in with the older girls. But in the meantime, I travel a couple of times a year to our provincial Guide House. In September I get to go to my first Provincial Advisers Meeting and catch up with all of my friends who are on Provincial Council and really get to find my groove in my role as an adviser. And this year is conference year! Every two years, our province holds a provincial conference on the mainland. Its a whole weekend of sessions aimed to make us better guiders. We spend the day learning and building our training and we spend the night catching up with friends we haven’t seen in awhile. My first conference was in my first year as a full member and I loved it. I was still unsure of myself, and it gave me the chance to meet others and open myself up to new possibilities. After travelling for National Conference this past April, and working with the people that run our national organization, I’m so ready to go to conference confident and ready to not only learn, but to share with others as well. Because of my adviser position, the head of PR emailed me and asked if I was willing to co-present at the social media session while I was there. It takes me out of the financial session I was looking forward to, but I really want to share what I’ve learned and co-leading a session sounds amazing. Plus, its my first chance to really see if training is something I really see myself doing.

So needless to say, I’m busy, I’m stressed and everything is happening at once. I chose this for myself, all of this, but the start and end of year always means a busy schedule. It will thankfully all even out by the time we hit October. But then again, even if it didn’t, I would do this and more because I truly love what I do. Girl Guides brings me too much joy to really get down or annoyed with a crazy September and June.

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Feeling Left Behind

Hi, long time no see. 

I’ve been busy, but I have no real excuse to explain my absence. I’ve felt the need to pull away and I don’t like that. But I’ve come to a realization, as another round of my infertility friends announce their pregnancies. I feel like I’m on a countdown. A countdown to the end of a friendship. 

Because let’s be honest. This isn’t my first time at the rodeo. I’ve been circled and recircled by some of my infertile friends. It’s been 6.5 years. No moving forward, no money for the next step and no child to show for it. I once again feel like it’s just not in our cards and that it will never happen. That feeling is mostly coming from my hormones and the oncoming CD1. But one thing I can always count on are others that I consider friends, get pregnant, spend the nine months talking about their pregnancy and sharing all of it with the IF world, make the big birth announcement, make a couple of monthly updates and then proceed to disappear and forget the people who supported them through this. 

This isn’t an every time situation, but the percentage is high. I’d say 80%, easily. I’ve watched too many people claim to be my friend, offer support through their struggle and then walk away from everyone like we didn’t matter once they resolved. Sure some stick around but never talk about anything other than their child, they never talk about other parts of their life, and can leave a bitter taste in the mouth of people still fighting. 

Is it wise to keep the world of infertility separate from the rest of your life? I’ve never separated the two as I talk regularly about both infertility and the rest of my life in this blog. Why separate one part of my life from the rest as one interacts with the rest, it’s woven into everything in my life. What happens when that part of your life changes? That’s a situation that a lot of people find themselves in when they resolve their infertility. And I don’t think people think of what happens to the people who support you when you resolve. Do you leave those people and disappear from that world without caring what happened to the others, who are still fighting their battles? Do you just let them fend for themselves? Why do you see the need to separate yourself? Is what you went through so embarrassing to you that you can’t bare to stay and support those that have been there for you. 

The longer I’m here and the longer I live this, I wonder if it’s worth it because so few of the people who started this journey with me have stayed, or bothered to continue supporting me. Do they see me as a lost cause and cut their ties, or do they simply not know where or how to fit in anymore? Some people stay and manage to do it, as their blogs become what mine is, a life in general blog. Some make the transition, others just gradually stop posting, while others make a dramatic “this is my last post” exit and we never hear from them again. They leave no way to communicate with them. 

I hate it. I become so invested in the lives of those in this circle. So when they up and leave, I sometimes can’t help but take it personally. I think it’s a major contributing factor to my lack of commenting. Cause it stings. It hurts. I try to pretend it doesn’t but I wear my heart on my sleeve. Do I, and others still fighting, mean so little that you just walk away like we don’t matter anymore. 

Maybe it’s the surge of hormones talking, maybe it’s not. 

I’m just sick of “friends” disappearing on me. I just can’t help but start the countdown clock when someone announces their pregnancy. I don’t dread that birth, it’s the abandonment that usually follows it. 


#MicroblogMonday The Double Standard

Facebook…the everyday joe’s personal soapbox. 

It’s also the perfect place for people to pressure and guilt people into adoption whenever someone dares to talk about their infertility struggle. 

An infertile friend who decided to adopt decided to comment on a post about why infertility is not given the same respect as other diseases with the pros of adoption, like it was the first time these words were ever spoken aloud. But I was quick to point out that this specific post isn’t about adoption. When she responded, I reminded her that all couples going through treatment have the knowledge of adoption. But that an adoptive mother is never asked by an infertile woman why they didn’t exhaust any and all treatments. I don’t comment on her adoption posts about the benefits of treatment. 

I hate this double standard of it’s ok to promote talk of adoption, but if you mention fertility treatments or trying to normalize the talk about infertility treatments, it’s immediately shot down by the public and adoptive moms alike with talk of why you should just adopt. 

What’s so wrong with supporting someone’s decision in family building without trying to change the persons mind. If you are gonna suggest that I adopt, you better be suggesting it to every couple who builds their family naturally as well. Cause I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone suggest adoption to a set of newly weds on their wedding night… 


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#MicroblogMonday A Sad Farewell

During my time in this community, I’ve made many transitions. One blog post from a google search introduced me to the fact that I wasn’t alone. Then I found Mel and this wonderful little corner of the internet. As I grew more confident over the years, I found others like me on Twitter and Facebook. Then I found this fun little app called Instagram and I loved it. By this point my online support was pretty well established. But while many may question the need and validity of online friendships, I had already learned that some of these people are closer to me that some of my friends in real life. They know my life; the good, the bad and the in between.  We share each other’s joy and happiness, we cry with them through their loss and grief. When things are bad, we circle the wagons.

Today, I lost one of those friends. A month ago, she started taking seizures, she was absent from social media, but one friend was the contact to the rest of us. She was the connection between the family and her online family. This girl was sweet and kind and loved her dog, Willow. She loved to send little tokens to her online friends. Her passion was infertility awareness. Her goal was to poster Ontario with infertility awareness stickers and information letters. She left them randomly. Her passion for a cause we all shared was beautiful. Her passion fueled my own when I wanted to give up the fight.

And today, after a month of ups and downs in the hospital, she lost her fight. Kirby was a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart and this little community who knew her grieves her loss.

She was taken too soon.

So join me in honoring a life taken to soon today. If you pray, say a prayer. If you chant, say one for sweet Kirby. Or if you are like me and don’t pray, light a candle for her today to guide her way back home. I believe that when a person dies, they get to see the impact they had on the people in their lives and I want to show her just how much of an impact she’s had on all of us. If you light a candle for her, leave a link. I’d love to share the love with her friends and family.

You fought for so long, but its ok, rest now.

Rest peacefully, our dear sweet Kirby.


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#MicroblogMonday Grrrrrr

Do you wanna know what’s frustrating?

Coming downstairs after a nap to see hubby zoned out on the couch. Hes having a bad day, I get that, but I still try my best to be there for him. I ask if he wants to do anything. Nothing. I ask if hes hungry, he says no. I give him a kiss on the forehead and head out to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. He’s always after me for making too much when I make supper and effectively wasting food. Just the other night I made enough for the two of us and he didn’t eat it and blamed me for wasting food instead of seeing that I was trying to be considerate. So I make a single meal, chicken and mashed potatoes, just enough for me. He hears me banging around in the kitchen, stuff boiling, smells coming into the living room; all the clear signs of meal preparation.

Finally it’s ready and my mouth is drooling. I can’t wait to dig in. I bring my drink and supper into my desk so I can continue working on what I was doing. I don’t even get to take my first bite when Chris pipes up and says, “so are you making me supper?” Then he gets mad when I told him that I only made enough for me and claims that I didn’t ask him if he wanted something to eat.

Yeah hun, I intentionally made food for just myself to get a rise out of you. That’s just the sort of bitch I am.



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Last night, I had a dream. It felt so real.

A baby was crying in the room across from our bedroom. It was a nursery. I tried to wake Chris up cause it was his turn, but he didn’t budge. I got up and went into the room. I picked up the crying baby. Changed them and sat in a rocking chair as I sang them back to sleep. It was so real that I could smell that beautiful baby smell. They fell back asleep in my arms and I put them back in their crib. I crawled back into bed and Chris curled around me saying I love you.

Then I woke up.

I had to grieve the fact that it was just a dream. I looked into the other bedroom to see that there was no crib or nursery, but instead my desk, the clothes I folded last week and hadn’t put away yet and the shelves of DVD’s we barely touch anymore. I felt empty. There was no baby. There may never be a baby to rock to sleep.

I felt so empty and lost. I just wanted to crawl back into bed. But Chris was there, sound asleep, when it hit me that today was father’s day and he’s still not a father. He may never be a father. Suddenly, I couldn’t face going back to bed either. So I stood in the hall and cried, feeling like a failure.


Selectively Social

*waves* Hi! Remember me? I used to blog all the time then life happened and I just walked away from all the things I normally did, including this poor neglected blog.

Life has been…interesting at best. Not significantly better or worse, but active. And active is exactly what I need right now to stave off the wave of depression starting to rear its ugly head my way again. I’m overdue for this wave and I’m just trying so hard to live in the moment and pretend its not there. Depression is like that person you went to school with that you didn’t necessarily like. You forget about them until one day you are out doing your day to day errands and you see them. They see you and you see them and then this awkward game of if we don’t make direct eye contact, it means we don’t have to pretend to be friends and play a catch up game neither of us really wants to take part in. The eye contact is key.

I guess you just figured out that I was the painfully anti-social one in high school. I own it, even to this day. I’m selectively social. In the right settings, with the right people, I can be the center of the room and soak it all up. But otherwise, resting bitch face and an anti-social attitude are my default setting. I’ve had people who I went to school with bring their kids to Brownies and be amazed to see this outgoing and fun loving nature in me and wonder where it came from. It’s always been there but I’m terribly selective.

But at the end of the day, me and depression are in the same room trying desperately not to make eye contact. We are playing this dance and I’m keeping myself busy and active in an attempt to pretend that its not here for its annual knock me on my ass for a week. I also know its due because my best friend is in her own low spell and we always match up.


So, life? It’s been crazy, busy and exhausting.

After I finished work, I moved directly into year end with Guiding. I accepted the position of Provincial Social Media Adviser and I’m slowly starting to get my bearings. My District Commissioner has admitted that shes started prepping me to take over her position when her term is up. We had our year end District camp where it snowed on the final day. We had the year end Area Spark Camp where my final thoughts on that camp were, “I really love my Brownies”. Working with the girls (ages 5-6) was fun, but the age group is just too young for me as a Guider. I need a little bit more independence. Actually the more that I work with the older girls, the more that I see myself moving to the older age groups. The hold out on that though is my strong dislike for tent camping. We had our year end meeting for District and I was even asked to attend the Provincial Annual General Meeting at Mount Saint Vincent University. I traveled with other local Guiders and got to meet up with a lot of the Guiders that attended National Conference with me. I’ve learned that the more work I do through District, Area and Province; the more that I want to continue my work and move up the ranks. I want to help shape Guiding on not just a provincial level, but also on a national level. And starting on July 11th, I start my training to become a Trainer with Girl Guides of Canada. Plus I’m finishing my registration paperwork for provincial conference in November and I’m starting my application prep work for international travel, so I have plenty to keep me busy this summer. Needless to say, Guiding has completely taken over my life.

Outside of Guiding, I’ve been keeping myself busy with my first attempt at gardening. This is proving to be interesting. I got a kit that helps you grow your own basil, chives and parsley and they are starting to actually really grow now. The cat grass for the cats is a complete success. I’m also attempting a variety of flowers to go in my two little garden areas in the house. Myself and my mom are weeding the two gardens because I’ve neglected them for the past two years. I’m also taking a shot at growing some veggies. My beans are just starting to sprout and I finally got the last of the seeds planted today. It may seem like a late start for gardening, but to be fair, the weather is only now starting to come out of chilly and move towards warm. For instance, earlier this week, I had to take in my planters because we had a frost warning. Yes, you read that right, a frost warning. We really are ready for the summer weather to arrive. The west coast got an early summer and we are crying for sun and temps that don’t come with a frost warning at night.

I also found out the results of the two testings I did for the government over the past couple of months. I passed both! I’m now in the pools for two different government jobs. What does that mean? Well, I’ve passed all initial testing and if/when they decide to hire, they will hire from these pools. I’m hoping for a call sooner rather than later, but its just a relief at this point to be in the pools.

I’ve also been on a cleaning spree as of late. I’ve rearranged one of the spare rooms to become my craft room and I’m hoping to tackle the next bedroom shortly after Father’s Day. I spent the afternoon scrubbing down my kitchen. I’ve gone through all of our clothes and I’m in the process of sorting them out and finding a system that works for both of us. I’m trying to sort out my craft supplies into a system that works for me. I want my sewing machine to have a permanent home in my craft room. I’m trying to organize my Guiding stuff so that I can clearly distinguish between my Unit, District, Area and Provincial stuff. I want this house organized so that hopefully in the fall, I can start painting and maybe rip up the ugly pink carpet on the stairs and upstairs. Seriously mom, what were you thinking?!?! Pink carpet and light green walls. It’s bad guys. I think once I paint, this house will finally become entirely my own. That paint is still a reminder that this was my childhood home and that a piece of mom and dad are still here and while I love them dearly, this is my house now.

Infertility wise, we are still at the same spot. Crazy cycles. My body is reacting to normal thyroid and hormone levels like something alien is invading and attacking me. Countless years of my body adjusting to very high thyroid levels has it revolting now that I’m back to normal come cycle time. I retain water like its nobody’s business and I’m on fluid pills for when I blow up. My OBGYN told me that as soon as we are ready for treatments, come back to her. But financially, we aren’t ready. Mentally we are, but not financially or physically. So I’m taking the summer off from worrying. I told myself that once I get a call for permanent work with the government, we would move forwards with either treatment or adoption. Until then, we are setting other goals to prep for the future once we are able to move forward. We are actively eating better. We are aiming to lose weight and get more healthy and active. I’ve taken to calling it pre-baby prep. We are letting go of all the toxicity in our life. We are actively spending time with people who want us in their life. We are surrounding ourselves with people we love and who support us on this journey. I’ve burned bridges with our struggle and its effect on me and it sucks, but it’s also taught me who I can trust and who I want in my life. If you can’t handle me at my worst, I don’t want you at my best. Since we know that his sperm are doing nothing right now, we are making peace with the loss of that option and mentally prepping ourselves for our next steps. We are trying to enjoy being a family of two, temporarily. It’s not always perfect and the bad days are still there, but we are just trying to make the best of what we have. And so far, the good days are outnumbering the bad, at least a little bit.

So to sum up my time spent away from my poor neglected blog, I’ve been busy and trying to avoid a depressive episode but the good days are still slightly outnumbering the bad days right now. And for that, I’m grateful.

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15 Albums

I have a bit of downtime and I was looking through my older stuff on facebook. You know, back before facebook became what it is today when things like notes were a big thing. One of the notes in there was something called 15 Albums in 15 Minutes. The point to the post was to write out 15 albums that you listen to that will always stick with you. Just write them out and leave them there. As someone who has always loved music, I love things like this. I have a very eclectic tastes in music that cover not only my own musical tastes and finds, but shows the influence that my parents have had on me. So while I’m in my nostalgic mood, I thought I would share and encourage others to share.

1. Fleetwood Mac – Rumors

My love of Fleetwood Mac stems from years of influence from my parents. It’s a mutual love I share with my father. This is the most important of their albums. This was my introduction. It’s enjoyable from beginning to end. It’s the reason why seeing them in concert with dad is on both of our bucket lists.

2. Incubus – Morning View

My high school years can be summed up in this album. Plus fond memories of the early days of my relationship with my husband, making out in my car with this playing in the background.

3. Silverchair – Frogstomp

My junior high years just all summed up in one album. Fond memories of my pen-pal and my trips to Newfoundland.

4. The Hush Sound – Goodbye Blues

While frantically looking for a song to use for my wedding, I was introduced to this band. This album, and particularly “Love You Much Better”, still instantly transport me back to my wedding day and the feelings from that day.

5. The Tragically Hip – Yer Favorites

New Orleans is Sinking is still one of my all time favorite songs. Ever. But the entire album covers all of their great moments as a band. Just memories of summertime fun with friends staying up all night, talking until the sun came up.

6. Sarah McLachlan – Surfacing

She has so many albums that I love but this was the first. When I needed to cry, when I was depressed, Sarah helped me through it.

7. Elton John – Greatest Hits 1970-2002

It covered all of the favorites. And another example of my parents influence on my musical tastes. Thanks mom. Memories of my childhood of you cooking and cleaning, teaching me how to bake.

8. Rod Stewart – If We Fall in Love Tonight

Originally a gift from my father, I listened to it non-stop. My dad always listened to Rod Stewart and it rubbed off on me.

9. Rod Stewart – It Had to be You…The Great American Song Book

Rod singing the classics? Yes please. I could listen to him sing The Way You Look Tonight all night long. I loved the album so much, its what they played during the supper part of my reception at the wedding. That album can just set the mood.

10. Brian Adams – Waking Up The Neighbors

When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to marry him. If I wasn’t listening to Rod Stewart as a child, I had this album playing. Non-stop.

11. TLC – CrazySexyCool

It holds a special place in my heart because it was the first CD that I ever bought for myself with my own money.

12. The Killers – Hot Fuss

My brother gave me this CD with the promise that I would love it and he was right. I fell in love with it.

13. The Cardigans – First Band on the Moon

When Sarah couldn’t fix it, the Cardigans did. Plus their cover if Iron Man is magical. My love of this band introduced my brother to them and now he’s still listening to that album.

14. The Carpenters- Christmas Portrait

There are two Christmas albums that are needed on my list and this is the first one. I’ve been listening to this since I was a child and every year, this album takes me back to the happy memories of Christmases as a child.

15. The Barra MacNeils – The Christmas Album

A little taste of home. I love this album so much that I have two copies of it, one for my car and one for the house. When I do my Christmas baking, its to this album. The Snowplow Set is by far my favorite but Lucy MacNeil’s cover of Auld Lang Syne is a masterpiece. I’ve heard so many versions of that song over the years, but this will always stand out as the best to me.


If you had to choose 15 albums that will always stick with you, what would you choose? And why? 


Just Checking In

My poor blog, how I’ve neglected you. 

I’ve been busy though. So very busy. The type of busy that has my husband saying, “When’s the next day off for you, I’d love to spend some time together.” 

I thought it would slow down when I stopped working. I was wrong. As soon as I stopped working, I walked right into year end with Girl Guides. Camps (yes multiple), meetings, my own unit meetings with my Brownies, prepping for advancement, getting into my new role of Provincial Social Media Adviser, getting back into district work and desperately trying to get rid of 30 cases of district Girl Guide cookies while begging people to help. 

Plus, I started gardening, which will be a complete hit or miss. And I’m trying to clean this house from top to bottom and rearrange it to suit my liking and prep for painting in the fall. 

But I just wanted to stop by to stay that I’m still alive, still checking in when I have the time. But I’ll be back, just as soon as this Guiding end of year stuff is complete. 

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The Deep Dark Place

This past winter, I was in the deep dark place. I tried to pretend that I wasn’t, I tried to act and talk and laugh like I wasn’t, but that was a front and no one was buying it. I didn’t realize how badly I was in that deep dark place and how badly I was hiding it until I received my performance review at work. 

By any standards, and the normal standards of casuals at my work, I hit the requirements. I hit stats, I socialized, I did everything that was asked of me by supervisors and management. But I walked in to a distinct disadvantage. My supervisor was my supervisor the last two times I was there. So I was held to a higher standard, and she expects so much more from me than just the basics. As she said, “I see your name on the call back list and I get excited”. But she was disappointed in me this time. She knows me outside of work and she managed to put two and two together after I broke down at work when I received my “it’s not gonna happen on your own” meeting with our doctors. She knew my grandfather died and my grandmother moved and I wasn’t taking any of it well, at all. That, and I held it in. I didn’t want to take my personal problems to work, so I tried to bury them instead of asking for help or just letting her know I was struggling before she sat me down to talk about it. And all of that built to the point that I was struggling with my work. I was only meeting stats and not blowing my stats out of the water. I was making little mistakes that I never make and would catch others doing. I came off as not wanting to be there instead of being happy that I was there. I just wasn’t me. 

I knew this review was coming. But it didn’t mean that it didn’t sting. Both my supervisor and myself agreed that I was only starting to come into my own, be the old me, over the past 4 weeks. That being said, my supervisor said she knew that this was a temporary thing with me and she would fight for me in the new year to come back because she knows that my fire is still there. But she wanted me to know so that if I was struggling, that I needed to ask for help. That I can’t do this alone and that if it was any other supervisor, this exit appraisal could’ve been different, and not in the good way. Other supervisors wouldn’t dig or try to find out why I was off my game, they would just assume that I didn’t want to be there.

Infertility and this darkness has finally penetrated my good working name. And it’s breaking me. Add to that that I heard this on the eve of the hardest weekend of the year and I’m just gutted. I’ve cried, a lot. I’ve imposed a social media hiatus until at least Monday, cause I can’t deal with it, not even from my infertility friends who are celebrating their first hard earned Mother’s Day. When I see any of it, the profile pictures of people with their moms and grandmothers, the gifts, the talk of plans, I’m just so full of anger and rage. It overpowers me and then  I’m sick to my stomach, scared of how much those negative feelings just controlled me. 

It’s my 6th Mother’s Day without kids, my 6th since we started trying. I don’t know how each one manages to get harder. I figured that each one would gradually make me more numb than the last, but instead, it’s just more pain. I’m so blinded by pain that I can’t even enjoy the good happening in my life. I was made Provincial Social Media Adviser for Girl Guides. I start my training to be a trainer with Girl Guides over the next couple of weeks. I’m two 8 hour shifts away from being off all summer long. I have plans to work on my yard, clean my house, organize my two spare bedrooms, do the painting I’ve been putting off since we moved in. Four trips to the mainland, 1 to visit family and the rest are Girl Guides related (Annual General Meeting in June, Advisers meeting in September and our Provincial Conference in November). These things give me a fleeting sense of happiness but the happiness never stays. 

I miss the happier days. I miss the days that were free of jealousy, hurt, anger and isolation. I miss the tenderness with my husband, but I’ve been the one holding him at arms length for months now. He still tries and he still tries to give me my space, but I feel like I’m failing him and our marriage. I don’t want to be near my friends with kids. And when I am, I can’t help but tune out so I don’t breakdown when they go on and on about their kids. 

I think I just need a change of scenery for a bit. To finish work. To have only the responsibility I want. To limit what I do and who I do it with. To make a game plan. To pursue my passions. To drop the negativity in my life. To get rid of those who don’t care or don’t want to understand what I’m going through. To soak up the sun. To find the fun again. That’s what I’m trying to get my mind into this weekend instead of this pit. I need to find the ladder out of this deep dark pit and these things, the positive things, are the parts of the ladder helping me find my way out. I just have to survive this weekend and my final 16 hours of work first. 

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